The Melker Project

Dear Dave (can I call you Dave?),

How are you? It has been a really long time! I hope that you are doing great.

Anyway, I was writing to let you know that you are the worst and represent everything that is wrong with DJ and EDM culture. I recently had the displeasure of reading your interview with Beatport. Riveting stuff, really. I particularly enjoyed the following excerpt.

“Not everything went smoothly behind-the-scenes, though.. Something crazy happened to me on the [first weekend],” he says. “I’m using Rekordbox and Pioneer to play, and before I saved my playlist to my SD card, my computer crashed. So I just had to put all my music in a random order on USB sticks at the last minute, doing it really old school, scrolling to look for the records I wanted to play next.”

There are so many things wrong with you, and with this paragraph, that I felt compelled to write you this heartfelt letter.

First, if you are using Rekordbox, USB sticks and Pioneer to play, there is NOTHING “old school” about it – these are new technologies used by EDM DJs. You wouldn’t know “old school” if DJ Jazzy Jeff slapped you in the face with a dubplate. What you attempted to do is not “old school,” it’s actually just “DJing.” Congrats! Further, a true “old school” DJ uses these weird things called “turntables.” You put vinyl records on these “turntables.” They have needles and everything!

Second, real DJs do not have a pre made playlist. They do this crazy, daring thing called “reading a crowd.” Believe it or not, they actually decide what they are going to play next IN THE MOMENT and based on the reactions of the fans. Crazy, I know! You would probably have to stay a little more sober than you did last year at Tomorrowland to do this though, and treat it like an actual job.

I also enjoyed this segment of the article:

“The Black Eyed Peas’ surprise appearance also threw a curveball. “When Fergie decided to come last minute, it was like, OK, but I don’t have ‘I Gotta Feeling,’ because I don’t play it any more. I called my stage manager to go download ‘I Gotta Feeling’ on iTunes so I could play it. It was just completely crazy, but I loved it. And actually the set went amazing, and in a way the stress adds to the adrenaline.”

HOW STRESSFUL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN! You had to have one of your lackeys download the most popular (and arguably the worst) song created this century. Then you had to play it, unmixed, in it’s entirety while someone sang it? I mean, that requires telling someone what to do AND pushing play all during the same set. Side note, YOU PLAYED “I GOTTA FEELING” AT COACHELLA IN 2015.

Then there was this little gem:

As he tells it, his new radio-ready single with Afrojack and Nicki Minaj, “Hey Mama,” has brought a new edge to his sets. Hip hop and trap have started to play a lead role, a move that was validated by seeing Chicago bass heads Flosstradamus light up the festival’s Outdoor Theatre.

“Because of ‘Hey Mama,’ I have been playing some hip hop,” Guetta tells Beatport in the days after the festival. “A lot of new hip hop records have a similar tempo to EDM, so it’s quite easy to make remixes. I was thinking I might be the only one who does that.”

Wow, David! Your new song “Hey Mama” is so edgy. You really broke new ground (or bit off other trends that have been around for years, but whatever) by creating that one. How daring of you to make a song that does not sound exactly like all of your other songs, but actually does just sound exactly like your other songs but at a different tempo. You’re a real modern day Herbie Hancock, man, pushing the boundaries of music! We all know that you didn’t actually make this song by yourself, or any of your other tracks for that matter (shout out to Joachim Garraud!).  You played hip hop in a DJ set? You were thinking that YOU MIGHT BE THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THAT!? What planet are you living on? Hip hop DJs basically invented this industry for you and are out there playing rap every night of the week.

The only excuse you have is that you clearly do not know any better. Maybe you really believe that the 100 “DJs” on the festival circuit represent the entirety of the DJ world. Maybe you really don’t know anything about the history of DJing, or that there are hundreds of thousands of DJs out there making a living. Let me help you understand. You are not a DJ. You are barely a producer. People bring you music, you put it out with your name on it, show up and push play. Good for you man, I’m glad you are getting rich – I’m just not that psyched about you destroying DJ culture.

You suck.

Scott Melker